Chapter 19: Idiot

“That was farther than I thought…”

I could’ve ridden my bike or hopped on a bus to save time, but I’d chosen to pinch pennies and walk. It took way longer than expected. Still, I wasn’t late, so it was fine… probably.

Stepping into Kazehana Park, I headed toward its deepest corner. For a shut-in gamer like me, the lush greenery felt like a different world, refreshing in a way I hadn’t anticipated. Then I spotted her—Toudou, already seated on the bench, her ash-blonde hair catching the light. My heart skipped, unsteady.

The bench sat at a scenic overlook, a wooden fence guarding the drop where the city sprawled below like a detailed diorama, high-rise apartments near the station glinting in the distance.

“…Toudou.”

“Ah, Kuroki-kun.” Her shoulders flinched at my voice, a reaction that twisted guilt into my chest. This was all because of my selfishness, wasn’t it?

“Can I sit next to you?”

“Of course.”

I settled beside her, the bench feeling narrower than it looked, her warmth almost tangible. Children’s voices drifted from a distance, mixed with parents’ scolding, the hum of cars, an ambulance’s wail slicing through. The wind stirred, and Toudou spoke.

“Kuroki-kun, um, I’m really sorry, again and again…?”

“Don’t say that,” I cut in. The urge to run, the pain I’d caused her—it was all on me. If it’d come to this, I should’ve declined her invitation from the start. Worse, I’d pushed her away just to unburden myself. If she called me selfish, I’d take it without a word.

But Toudou’s response caught me off guard. “No, that’s not it. When you threw your true feelings at me, Kuroki-kun, I was happy, but… also frustrated. Because everything you said was true.”

“…Really?”

“Yeah. Your words weren’t wrong. I was running away. I’d hit all sorts of walls in life, so I escaped into games. With you there, I could just focus on games every day. I used that to justify it.”

“…I see.” Her words didn’t feel like a lie, not some attempt to spare my feelings. Toudou was laying her heart bare.

“Before I got so into games with you, I felt like I was struggling alone for so long. It was suffocating. Caught up in adult problems, hearing awful things, forced into stuff I didn’t want, unable to do what I did want. The stress was… insane.”

She let out a small sigh, then rose from the bench, smoothing her skirt as she stepped toward the fence. The backs of her knees, her delicate frame—everything about her was so strikingly beautiful, like a pristine heroine straight out of a game. I was lost in that thought when Toudou suddenly shouted, her voice ringing out.

“Ahh! Jeez! Idiot! Me, you, everyone! Everyone’s an idiot! Seriously, just cut it out! I just want to play games! I want to play games with you, Kuroki-kun!”

Her outburst seemed to startle the sky itself, clouds scattering as if in shock. Under the vast summer sky, Toudou let loose everything she’d held back. Then she turned, her skirt fluttering lightly, and flashed a bright, unburdened smile.

“Hah, that felt good,” she said, her face radiant, truly refreshed. I sat frozen, caught in the glow of her honesty.

“…That was bad for my heart,” I mumbled, still reeling from her outburst.

“Sorry, sorry,” Toudou said, her tone light but sincere. “I wanted to clear my head before apologizing. I made you misunderstand, didn’t I? If it looked that way to you, it means I wasn’t showing my true feelings. So, what I just said—that’s my real heart. No lies, this is Toudou Mashiro’s truth. Now, I want to hear your real feelings, Kuroki-kun.”

“My real feelings…”

“Yeah. I want to hear them.” Her gaze was direct, piercing, unwavering.

Staring past her at the endless blue sky, I suddenly felt like my old self had been trapped in a suffocatingly small cage. I clenched my fists, summoning the courage to speak. “Playing games with you always made me anxious, Toudou. I kept wondering if I could really be buddies with someone from a completely different world. If it was okay for us to hang out like this. I faked my way through it, but after what you said the other day, I couldn’t lie to myself anymore… I think.”

Toudou tilted her head slightly, her expression soft. “But we’re the same, aren’t we? There’s nothing different about us. Sure, I might’ve been running away, but having fun playing games with you—that was the absolute truth.”

“I’m grateful you say that. But to me, you’re… amazing, Toudou. You feel like you’re from another world. I even think if you set your mind to it, you’d probably outshine me as a pro gamer.”

“No way, there’s no way I could get better at games than you, Kuroki-kun.”

She brushed it off, but I’d noticed something. Games, at their core, were about connecting with friends—playing together, clashing, making up, sharing strategies, laughing over glitches. The better you got, the closer you grew. But for me, at some point, games became about ego. I wanted to be stronger, better than everyone else, popular enough to turn heads, maybe even make money. That wasn’t right. Playing with Toudou reminded me that games were supposed to be fun.

Yet that realization had thrown our bond off balance. I’d assumed our relationship worked because I was better at games than her. When I saw that wasn’t true, my perspective shifted. Was Toudou really enjoying herself with me? Was I holding up my end as her buddy? The closer we got, wouldn’t she see how shallow I was?

In other words— “I think I was scared,” I admitted, the words heavy. “Scared of you hating me, or abandoning me… So I wanted to make sure our relationship was real.”

“…Idiot,” Toudou said softly, stepping closer to poke my forehead.

I blinked, startled, as she continued, her cheeks tinged with embarrassment. “I’m always worrying too, you know. Don’t just stress about yourself getting hated, okay? I… I worry about you hating me too, Kuroki-kun.”

“…For real?”

“For real.” She nodded, then smiled. “So from now on, let’s play together and figure out our distance, our values, all over again.”

I was the one who’d tried to cut things off, yet here she was, reaching out without hesitation. As I scrambled for a response, she added, “This ‘different world’ thing? That’s just a world you built in your head, Kuroki-kun. We’re buddies, so we’re always in the same place.”

“Buddies…” I repeated. Toudou and I weren’t friends in the casual, classroom-chatter sense. But we were buddies, united by our shared love for games.

“You’re the one who called us game buddies, right, Kuroki-kun?” she said, her voice bright. “So even if we start from scratch, I’d be happy if we could play together again. And, you know…”

“…?”

“I’ll stop running away too. Seeing you try to run actually gave me energy in return.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I let out a dry laugh, but it felt good to laugh at all.

“I’m thinking of trying all sorts of things again. So, you too, Kuroki-kun.”

“Me too?” I blinked, unsure. What was I supposed to do?

“Yeah. I want you to help me, Kuroki-kun.”

“Help… Sure, of course I’ll help. But, like, specifically, what can I do?” Showbiz, modeling, lessons—how could I possibly help with any of that? I’m just a modern high schooler who can barely manage SNS.

Toudou laughed, her amusement clear. “Just be your usual self. I want to play games with the usual you. And if you can help me in the real world as much as possible, that’d make me happy. When I hang out with you, every day feels fun and positive. What do you say…?”

“If that’s all then.. sure.” I said, relief washing over me.

She furrowed her brows, a playful scowl on her face. “Who was the one worrying over something like that?”

“Ugh…” I winced. She had me there. What a pathetic call-out. But the happiness bubbling inside me far outweighed the sting.

The dark haze that had been clouding my mind began to lift. Toudou wanting to play games with me—it was like a punch that sent my negative self flying. Sure, there were countless differences between us, but when we gamed, we could laugh as equals. That confidence was the best growth I could muster right now.

“Is it okay? Not okay? Don’t stay silent, tell me…” Toudou held out her hand, her face flushed. It’d been a while since I’d seen her emotions so raw, so unguarded.

I wanted to help her. Not just in games, where I had some skill, but in the real world, where I was hopelessly out of my depth. Even so, if someone like me could be of use to Toudou—no, I wanted to be. The thought burned strong.

I clasped her outstretched hand, her skin pale and warm against mine. “Got it. Not just games, but in reality too—if there’s anything I can help with, I will. Though, compared to games, I’m ridiculously weak…”

“We’ll definitely be fine,” she said, her voice brimming with confidence. “We’re game buddies, after all. Don’t you think we can help each other in reality too? Even if we open a treasure chest and it’s a trap, the two of us can overcome it.”

Toudou’s certainty shone like a hero who never doubted they could save the world. That radiance—it was why I wanted to journey with her. We were just kids, not adults, and not every moment would be a good one. Treasure chests don’t reveal their contents until you open them, after all.

“…Yeah. We can clear it.”

“Right?” Her smile was like experience points, fueling me. Had I leveled up this time? A sound effect would’ve made it clear, but reality didn’t come with those. Still, it wasn’t bad. I was probably moving forward. I chose to believe that.