“Ah, Ao-kun? You and Toki-chan are that kind of close?”
“No, what do you even mean by that kind of close…?”
Even Hino Hana, the one who insisted on coming to my place, didn’t seem to have any particular reason for it.
Or maybe she did have a reason but gave up on it when she realized my parents were home.
“So, why are you here, Nanami?”
Hino Hana, who had been lying down, sat up and asked again, as if to say she’d already answered her part.
“I-I was just helping Kohaku-chan with her studies. That’s all, okay?”
“If you’re done, then go home.”
Hino Hana narrowed her eyes and spoke dismissively.
I couldn’t help but shrug, wondering if she could’ve said it any less harshly.
What’s going on here? These two were supposed to be at least friendly enough as normal friends.
Hugging one knee, Hino Hana let out a sigh, not bothering to hide her irritation.
“I thought I’d finally get to spend some alone time with you in your room, Himura, but even now, she’s getting in the way.”
It was clear her words were laced with genuine frustration spilling from her heart.
Things looked like they might escalate further, so I stepped toward Hino Hana to calm her down.
“Chill out, Hino Hana. Why’re you being so confrontational?”
“Himura, just stay quiet and listen. I’ve been meaning to say something to Nanami for a while now.”
That’s fine and all, but I wish she’d drop the aggressive attitude.
Also, why does she feel the need to make me hear this too?
“…What? What did you want to say?”
Kaori seemed ready to listen this time.
But seriously, is this really the kind of conversation that needs to happen in my room?
“You probably already know, but I like Himura.”
Hino Hana’s words were so direct they hit like a fastball.
Unlike usual, Kaori didn’t flinch and simply nodded.
“Yeah, I kind of figured.”
“I don’t like seeing some girl sticking to the person I love just because of some clingy ‘childhood friend’ excuse from the past.”
“I thought Toki-chan was Ao-kun’s childhood friend too, but you don’t see it that way?”
“I won’t deny it. I only got close to Himura around the upper years of elementary school.”
Hino Hana was just answering Kaori’s question, but Kaori furrowed her brows and glanced at me for some reason I couldn’t grasp.
For me, at least, the upper years of elementary school were a sort of turning point.
It was a brief period before middle school, but it was when the bullying got intense, and I confided in Hino Hana for the first time.
It didn’t solve anything, but it became the trigger for us to start talking about each other’s lives.
“My relationship with Himura isn’t exactly ‘childhood friends.’ Besides, that doesn’t matter.”
With that, Hino Hana got off the bed.
She looked up at Kaori, who was nearly twenty centimeters taller, with a scornful gaze and spoke sharply in an uncharacteristically bold tone.
“Get a grip already. Do you have any idea how much pain Himura’s been through because of you, Nanami?”
“—!”
Kaori’s shoulders jolted, her eyes widening in shock.
“Whoa, what’re you suddenly going on about, Hino Hana?!”
I jumped in without thinking.
Sure, I’d vented to Hino Hana plenty of times.
She hadn’t seen or heard it firsthand.
She didn’t know the full story.
And since she wasn’t involved, I felt like I could talk to her about it.
Yeah, I was bullied.
It was tough, no question.
But that’s all in the past now.
It’s something that’s been smoldering inside me, but I figured time would sort it out.
There’s no reason—never was—to blame Kaori for any of it.
So—
“Because Nanami was always by his side, Himura was constantly looked down on and tormented by everyone at school. And you were just blissfully unaware…!”
There’s no need to tell Kaori any of this.
She’s not at fault for anything.
Kaori looked down, clenching her fists tightly.
Even in that state, Hino Hana kept glaring at her with accusing eyes.
“At its worst, he was pale as a ghost, trembling before performances. He was terrified of being seen by people from school, shaking with hyperventilation right up until he had to step on stage. He was scared to death that if anyone found out he was a kagura dancer, who knows what they’d do to him at school.”
“Wha…?”
How does she know that?
Before performances, after the prayers, I’d have a moment alone to mentally prepare—a sort of mock meditation. It was just a formality, a waiting period, but for me, it was a crucial time to calm my mind.
No one ever came into the room, so I never imagined anyone would know.
“Because you never even tried to notice, Nanami, Himura—”
“—I knew.”
Cutting Hino Hana off, Kaori spoke.
“Huh?”
For a moment, I couldn’t process what she meant.
When I looked at Kaori, her eyes were clouded as she repeated herself.
“I knew, okay? There’s no way I wouldn’t have noticed…”
—She knew.
Kaori was saying she’d noticed what had been happening to me in elementary and middle school.
For me, that was a bombshell beyond anything else.
“…If your childhood friend was struggling that much, you’d notice whether you wanted to or not.”
And in terms of being stunned, it was the same for Hino Hana, who I’d confided in countless times.
“If you knew, then why didn’t you do anything…?!”
“I did!!”
It was Kaori who raised her voice.
While I, the one at the center of it all, stood there dumbfounded, the two of them locked eyes for a moment, hurling their pent-up emotions at each other.
Then, Kaori began to speak slowly.
“I did everything I could think of… I tried to stop it over and over. I talked to my parents, to the teachers.”
“Then why…?! If you went that far, something should’ve—”
“Everyone I thought I could rely on just said, ‘He hasn’t said anything himself,’ and refused to help!”
…Because I didn’t say anything.
“If anything, because I acted on my own, the bullying got worse…!”
At that, a single tear spilled from Kaori’s jade-green eyes.
“Hey, if you’re going to blame me, at least tell me, Toki-chan—what else could I have done? If you were in my place, what could you have done?”
“…”
The only people I ever talked to about the bullying were my self-defense instructor, who seemed the most dependable at the time, and Hino Hana, who had no connection to school.
The self-defense instructor just spouted mental toughness nonsense, so that went nowhere.
With Hino Hana, I just wanted someone to listen. All I needed was to vent.
I figured telling my parents, who were rarely home, would be pointless, and since the teachers noticed but ignored it, I quickly gave up on relying on adults.
Even if it’s “just” kids bullying each other, it’s a personal matter, and I realized third-party intervention wouldn’t be enough.
And I didn’t confide in Kaori either.
“I thought it was weird, you know. No matter how tough Ao-kun is from all those years of kagura training, it’s not normal to say nothing to anyone.”
“That’s…”
“You didn’t do anything because the reason you were being bullied was me, right?”
Both Hino Hana and Kaori turned their eyes toward me.
“…”
She’s right. Kaori’s not wrong about any of it.
I gave up on telling anyone because the biggest—and only—reason I was bullied was because I was Kaori’s childhood friend.
I didn’t need to think twice to know that if I told her, the bullying would’ve escalated.
More than anything, I didn’t want to go crying to Kaori, who always leaned on me, for help.
I thought it would only amplify the inferiority I already felt toward Kaori, who was always more talented and adored than me.
Even if dark emotions swirled inside me, I knew Kaori herself wasn’t at fault and wasn’t the direct cause, so I never took it out on her.
“If it were me, I couldn’t stand it. No way I could endure being toyed with for such a stupid, unfair reason.”
—And above all, I didn’t want my family to worry.
Because that would mean admitting I was worthless.
I thought even my strict parents, who never acknowledged me, wouldn’t accept me then.
“…If you realized that ‘stupid reason’ was you, Kaori, you should’ve just distanced yourself from Himura.”
“Why? Sure, it might’ve been a ‘reason’ for them, but… neither I nor Ao-kun were to blame. No matter how much I searched or thought about it, I couldn’t find a single reason why Ao-kun deserved to be treated that way.”
How much does Kaori know?
How far did she investigate, and what evidence does she have to say that so confidently?
I agree that Kaori’s not to blame… but.
Was there really no reason for me to be blamed?
At the very least, if I’d been the kind of guy everyone would accept standing next to Kaori, things wouldn’t have turned out like this.
From the start, Kaori was always out of my reach.
So maybe, in the end, no one’s at fault.
“Hey, Toki-chan, are you saying you’d give up being by the side of someone you love… just because of some stupid, unfair, ridiculous ‘reason’?”
“…That’s…”
“…Huh?”
I feel like Kaori just said something I absolutely shouldn’t have missed.
My thoughts were so scattered I barely caught half of it.
But if it wasn’t my imagination…
“That’s not right, is it? If it’s you, Toki-chan, you’d stay by his side even if it meant being hated. You’d push through everyone’s objections, shove aside any grand opportunities… all to choose to be Ao-kun’s support.”
Hino Hana tried to suppress her flustered feelings, but in the end, she could only fall silent.
“After the bullying got worse because of me, I thought it’d be fine if Ao-kun hated me or blamed me… No, I was sure he already did. I knew he was keeping his distance because I’d noticed.”
I didn’t even know the bullying escalated because of Kaori’s actions.
I never once thought she’d noticed anything.
“I was prepared to accept it if you ever lashed out at me with harsh words someday.”
“…I’d never do that.”
“Yeah, I know. You’d never do something like that. You’re so kind it’s almost too much, so even if you hated me, you kept it hidden to avoid making me feel responsible.”
“…That’s not it. I just—”
“—You’ll say something like, ‘I didn’t want my family to worry,’ or ‘It was for Kohaku-chan’s sake,’ right?”
Cutting me off, Kaori said exactly what I was about to, word for word.
“That’s what you’d say, isn’t it… You’ve always been like that. I’ve been watching you up close all this time. There’s no way I wouldn’t know what you’re thinking.”
Kaori muttered, almost to herself.
When our eyes met—her jade-green eyes brimming with tears—I felt like my heart had been seized.
“…So that’s when I decided. No matter what anyone thought of me, I’d stop showing my true self in public.”
“Huh? What do you…?”
“I didn’t want you to go through any more pain, and I wanted to stay your childhood friend.”
With tears still in her eyes, Kaori gave a small smile.
“…But it doesn’t really work out, does it? I can’t help but get happy when you pay attention to me, and in high school, I even met someone I could call a best friend.”
The way she treated everyone equally and the way she clung to Kiritsuki had always seemed so different.
I thought both were her true personality, but it turns out one was a facade.
“Seeing you get along with Kana-chan or Toki-chan… it hurts. I get so jealous… but thinking you might hate me made it impossible to make a move.”
Even if it meant being hated…
Even if it meant being pushed away, she stayed by my side because she was my childhood friend?
Kaori took my hand with her cold fingers, intertwining them in front of her chest.
She blinked away her tears and looked straight at me.
“I love you. Hopelessly, endlessly, I love you. It’s not about being childhood friends… I’ve always loved you—the you who treasures family, who’s sharp-tongued but kinder than anyone else.”
☆Afterword──────────────────
Well, Aoi-kun never once said anything along the lines of hating Nanami-san.
Even though he inwardly thought of her as a jinx, he prepared two birthday gifts for her or wished she’d care a bit more about her appearance.
Aoi-kun’s feelings toward Nanami-san have always been written as… not so much twisted, but ambivalent, from the very start.
These kinds of emotional misunderstandings are pretty common in real life, so rather than being purely angst-inducing, they leave you with this murky, uneasy feeling when writing or reading.
But if the story digs even deeper from here, I think it might cross from rom-com territory into something closer to pure literature.
