Changing Your Mindset

　Around lunchtime, I woke up in bed, my aching body pulling me from sleep. And I was startled. For some reason, right in front of me was a girl wearing just short shorts and a T-shirt, exposing a lot of skin. 　 

　Come to think of it, right before I fell asleep, I was remembering the events I’d encountered up until then. 　

 She was Hayashi Megumi. 　 

　A classmate from my high school days, and here in this city where I’d moved for work, we’d reunited during my late-night part-time job. She was what you’d call a victim of domestic violence.

　It had only been a few hours since our reunion. Now, I finally noticed that she, who had flaxen-colored hair back in high school, had dyed it black. Or had she dyed it… or redyed it? Well, that wasn’t really an important detail anyway.

“You’ve changed.”

　All by myself, I felt like I was facing the cruelty of time’s passage head-on, and it left me disgusted. The girl sleeping right in front of me, who until recently had been a high schooler, now had someone she was living with, and she was in the midst of some serious troubles. 　

 　Experiences she never could have tasted during those carefree high school days. Of course, I didn’t envy her one bit. 

　 If anything, I felt sorry for her… but why did it make me feel like I’d been left behind? Even though we weren’t particularly close back in high school.

　Feeling a bit hungry, I sat up and decided to make lunch. Probably, the savory aroma would lure her awake soon enough. 

　 I opened the fridge and decided to make yakisoba, so I started chopping the ingredients and frying the noodles and veggies.

“Nngh…”

“You up? Your body doesn’t hurt?”

　She really did wake up to the savory smell. While focusing on cooking, I said that.

“Ah—right.”

　Hayashi scratched her head. What exactly was that “ah—right” about?

“Morning, Yamamoto. My whole body’s aching.”

“I told you to sleep in the bed.”

“Shut up. If you’re a guy, don’t sweat the small stuff like that.”

　You’re the one who said your whole body hurts. I almost said it but stopped myself. …Oh, but I was the one who asked if her body hurt, so she was just answering that. In that case, it’s my fault.

“Yakisoba?”

　Before I knew it, Hayashi had crept up behind me and asked.

“Yeah.”

“You can cook, huh.”

“A little.”

　After a few months of living alone, you pick up some cooking skills. Well, really just a little, though.

“It’s almost done, so wait a sec.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“…Thanks. He never said anything like that at all.”

　Licking her own old wounds… no, wounds that were still ongoing—that made this girl quite the fool. A quick glance at Hayashi’s profile showed she looked somehow a bit more resolved.

　After a few more minutes of cooking, I plated up two servings of yakisoba and headed back to the living room.

“Itadakimasu.”

“Itadakimasu.”

　We put our hands together and started eating the yakisoba. Yeah. It’s pretty good. Tastes like the store-bought kind.

“This is tasty.”

“Thanks.”

　As I replied, I pulled out my phone and started tapping away. Ever since I started living alone, there was no one to scold me for using my phone during meals. So, I just did it out of habit.

“Hey, that’s bad manners.”

　But today, there was a guest in the room. Sorry, I said, and placed the phone on the table.

“Gochisousama.”

“Thanks for the meal. It was delicious.”

“Well, I just followed the instructions on the back of the package.”

“Jeez, I’m trying to compliment you, so don’t be so cynical about it.”

“…Sorry.”

　Her high school self hadn’t changed, and she was scary when angry, so I reluctantly apologized. On the table were two empty plates. I stood up to wash them.

“It’s fine. I’ll do it.”

“Why? You’re the guest.”

“…It’s thanks for the bed and the meal.”

　When Hayashi had come to this place yesterday, she’d already thanked me for letting her in to cool her head. So no matter how you looked at it, she felt some sense of obligation to me for this whole thing.

　Personally, since she’d been through so much hell up to now, I wanted her to at least rest and regain her strength while she was here. But if she tried to repay the favor in some weird way like before I went to sleep, that would be a hassle too, so I figured I’d just let her do it to satisfy herself.

　This time for sure, without Hayashi scolding me, I started fiddling with my phone. I had some research to do.

“I’m done.”

“Thanks.”

　Hayashi sat down across the table from me. Facing her like this… it reminded me of what happened before I slept, and I couldn’t meet her eyes properly. 　

 　Seriously, no matter how scared she was, she shouldn’t use a person as a body pillow. 　 And provoking anything beyond that—she should stop that too. It only turned out fine because it was me. I wanted to tell her sourly that if it had been someone less spineless, she’d be in a real mess right now. I was dying to reprimand her like that.

　Of course, I didn’t have the guts to say any of it.

“Your head cooled off a bit?”

　I asked Hayashi.

“…Yeah, I guess so.”

“Then let’s talk it out. Though even if I say talk it out, I’m like this, you know? So in the end, it’s all up to your decision.”

“…Like I said yesterday, you’re really detached about things. It’s like you’ve lived life twice or something.”

“Nah, that’s not it.”

“Yeah. No one in this world has actually lived life twice.”

“That’s not what I mean. The way you say it makes it sound like… if you lived life twice, you’d get better at navigating the world, or you’d live a smoother life.”

“Something like that. …Isn’t it?”

“No, it’s not.”

　I stated it firmly.

“Even if you experienced a second go at life, I can say for sure—it’d end up the same as the first round. Makes sense, right? If in your first life you had experiences that decided major crossroads, and you hit the same points in the second, if your mindset hasn’t changed, you’d make the same choices anyway. So why does everyone think that experiencing a second life would lead to a better one? It’s because they assume their mindset would change.”

　Was Hayashi listening to my impassioned speech or not…?

“The most important thing is to have experiences that can change your mindset. To have those kinds of experiences, I think you first need to not run from things, face them head-on, and fight. Conversely, if you can do that, even without a second life, your life is bound to turn out great.”

“Huh.”

“That’s a vague response. …Well, whatever. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, you need to properly face your current situation too.”

“My current situation…?”

“Yeah. Don’t run away—look at your circumstances objectively, and figure out what you want to do. If you really wrestle with it there, you definitely won’t regret it later.”

“Isn’t that impossible to know?”

　Anxiously, Hayashi looked down.

“Even if you look at your situation objectively, subjective thoughts still mix in. When figuring out the answer, you might get swayed by fear. …Not regretting it? That’s absolutely impossible.”

“It’s not impossible.”

“It is…”

“It’s fine.”

“…Why?”

“Because that’s why I’m here, right?”

　Plastering on words and a smile that weren’t like me at all, I said it. Well, unusually, no cynical phrasing came to mind, so it came out straightforward, but that’s basically what I meant.

　It wasn’t anything complicated.

　If you’re anxious on your own, rely on someone else. That’s originally… from ancient times, the privilege of humans who can think and share.

“…I never thought you’d be this reliable.”

“I’m not reliable at all. In the end, I’m just offering to listen to your problems for my own selfish reasons.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

　I wasn’t joking, but Hayashi let out a small chuckle. It was the biggest smile she’d shown since our reunion in this city yesterday.

“Then let’s think about it together. What you should do from here on out. First… it’ll be tough, but tell me about everything up to now with your boyfriend.”

　After that, for a few minutes, Hayashi told me about what had happened to her since moving to the city. Honestly, there wasn’t much that was interesting.

　How she met her boyfriend.

　Getting disowned by her parents.

　Living together. And violence. Violence. …Violence.

　It was harrowing—if it had happened to me, it’d make my skin crawl—and I couldn’t enjoy listening to her story at all.

“But you know, he’s not always angry. He apologizes too. Suddenly hitting me, sorry. It hurt, right? I won’t do it again. So please forgive me. He always begs like that.”

“Apparently, people who commit domestic violence have a certain cycle to their behavior. There’s a phase where they use violence, a phase where they feel remorse or self-loathing about it, and a phase where they get irritated over the smallest things.”

“…Ah—”

　Hayashi seemed to relate to that.

“You’re pretty knowledgeable about this.”

“I just looked it up.”

“When?”

“While you were doing the dishes.”

“I see.”

　Impressed, Hayashi nodded in understanding.

“Have you talked to anyone else about this before?”

“You’re the first.”

　Given the situation, it wasn’t surprising, but considering what she was like in high school, it felt off. Her parents were probably out of the question for consulting, but unlike me, she had a lot of close friends. Couldn’t she have contacted them and asked for advice?

“Come to think of it, what happened to your phone?”

　From when we reunited at the convenience store until I brought her here, Hayashi had only her wallet and clothes—a light outfit. For someone nowadays, a phone is essential; what had she done with hers?

“I don’t have one.”

“Don’t have one?”

“…He said if he’s around, that’s enough.”

“…He broke it, huh.”

　Silently, Hayashi nodded.

“All my friends’ contacts, gone. He wouldn’t let me buy a new phone either, so I was totally stuck.”

“…I see.”

　The situation was more serious than I’d thought, and even though I’d intended to keep things as upbeat as possible, a shadow fell over my face too. Hayashi’s boyfriend’s possessiveness was honestly terrifying. Just hearing about it made my skin crawl.

“I get the general idea. …Sorry for making you talk about something painful.”

“Oh, you’re apologizing straight up.”

“…Turns out I do have a human heart after all.”

“Yeah.”

　Hayashi was smiling bitterly. Whether because she’d grown used to the situation from the stories she’d told, or because she was calm now, the fact that she didn’t seem to be taking the talk too heavily was a small relief.

“So, shall we talk about what you should do from here? My opinion hasn’t changed from before… I still think you shouldn’t go back to your boyfriend. You need to cut ties with him as soon as possible.”

　I said it clearly. Well, it was the same as what I’d said earlier. But earlier, that had earned me her backlash. What about now?

　I was anxious about her every move. Would she agree with my words this time?

　Earlier, I’d thought that if something happened to her, at least I’d properly told her. That I could escape responsibility that way. After all, her friends would never find out that she and I had met. So I probably wouldn’t get blamed by them.

　Then, who exactly would blame me?

　Without a doubt, it would be myself. If something happened to her, who was at least an acquaintance, I’d do it to avoid being crushed by my own guilt—that’s why I’d conveyed my intentions to her this time.

　Before, I’d thought that if she didn’t agree with my question, that would be fine.

　But after hearing her situation now… things had changed. If I allowed a relationship this serious with that guy, at that point, I’d probably be crushed by guilt anyway.

　No matter what words I used. No matter how much she ended up hating me. I had to make her end things with that boyfriend.

　…Hayashi.

“…Well, he does get violent sometimes, but he has his kind sides too, and cute parts. That’s the kind of person he is.”

“…Hayashi.”

“…But.”

　Hayashi was smiling gently.

“I think you’re right. In the end, he’s just using me for his own selfish desires, taking advantage of me. Binding me up to satisfy his possessiveness, acting like he’s the king or something. …What you said woke me up.”

“…So then.”

“I think I’ll break up with him. I don’t want anything to do with him anymore. Never again.”

　I let out a sigh of relief, stroking my chest.