Confession

The blazing red sunset was so dazzling that I squinted my eyes. I was walking straight down the path. There was no trembling in my steps.

A silence hung between me and Hayashi.

Until just a moment ago, this quiet time had felt comfortable. But now, my mind was spinning, weaving words in a frantic whirl.

Did I like Kasahara?

Hayashi had definitely just asked me that.

What should I even say? I was groping for an answer.

“…I mean, you’re totally acting weird today, aren’t you?”

Hayashi’s tone was sharp, like a child throwing a tantrum, full of accusation.

“The way you look at me and Akari is different, and your words—usually you’re all snarky and twisted, but today you’re all soft and considerate, even saying things that show you care!”

Maybe that’s something anyone normal could do. But by my standards, yeah, it was weird.
And Hayashi, noticing it and raising her voice—what kind of feelings were swirling inside her?

“…Hey, what’s the deal?”

Hayashi demanded an answer from me.

It hit me late, but today, Hayashi hadn’t answered any of my questions. That fact probably led to this moment.

…My thoughts were racing in circles.

Hayashi once said the kind of person she hated most was someone cold and unfeeling.
I felt bad for her, but right now, I was searching my mind for words to dodge the question.

…It was at the last traffic light in front of my house that I finally resolved to be honest.
When I stopped at the red light, it hit me.

It’d come out eventually… it always would. There’s no way to keep it hidden forever. And isn’t it strange to even want to hide it in the first place?

I think I was a little confused.

But once I made up my mind, I didn’t regret the choice.

It was precisely because it was Hayashi that I could resolve to say it.

“…It was the summer of our third year in high school, wasn’t it?”

The red light still hadn’t changed.
Hayashi, standing at the signal commanding us to stop, turned only her face toward me.

“I confessed to Kasahara.”

When I close my eyes, I can still see it.

The scene from that day.

The feelings from that day.

Kasahara’s smile from that day.

It’s a painful memory too.

But now, with time, that memory doesn’t feel so bad anymore. I’d started to think that way. Maybe that’s why I decided to tell Hayashi about it now.

“…I’m sorry.”

“Huh?”

“I’m sorry. For making you remember… that painful rejection.”

…I couldn’t find words to deny it.

In moments like this, I didn’t know what to say—my life experience was too shallow.

“…You said it, didn’t you? That I’m different today.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s not like I’m still hung up on those feelings. It’s not an excuse, really.”

Why is it that the more you repeat something, the more it sounds like a lie?

“…But yeah, I guess I was a little conscious of it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What reason do you have to apologize?”

“…Even so, I’m sorry.”

Why was Hayashi showing me that dejected face now…?

Was it guilt for stirring up my memories of rejection?

Or anger that a bad bug like me had gotten close to her beloved friend?

I didn’t know the answer.

“I heard words from you I never would’ve expected back in high school.”

Still, I smiled.

The girl others called a queen, getting all down about the love lives of commoners like us—it just didn’t suit her.

“…You’re actually pretty cunning, aren’t you?”

“And you, on the other hand, have a surprisingly fragile heart.”

Clinging to a lover caught in domestic violence, or getting down like this—the girl called a queen, Hayashi, wasn’t as strong as her title suggested.

I only realized it now.

We were in the same class for three years in high school, studied together, and yet…
I only learned this after graduating, after reuniting with her, in just a single month.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m not saying I felt it was a waste or that I regretted it.

In a long life, getting hung up on one thing and dwelling in regret—that’s what I think is truly wasteful.

…In other words.

“Change your mindset.”

Hayashi muttered.

“Those words of yours—did they come from your thing with Akari?”

“What do you think?”

“…Just answer already!”

The light turned green, and I started walking ahead.

Then, turning back to Hayashi, who was still standing there, I smiled.

“Not at all.”

With a provocative grin, Hayashi soon started walking too. Unlike her earlier gloom, her face now wore a childlike, innocent smile.

“So cheeky! And you, who got rejected by Akari, of all people!”

“It’s ancient history! Doesn’t count!”

“Oh, come on! Face the fact you got rejected! You won’t get a cute girlfriend if you don’t!”

“Shut up! I’m not even looking for a girlfriend right now.”

“…Not even a little?”

“Hm?”

“…Hey, Yamamoto?”

Hayashi was smiling. But that smile—it felt somehow pained.

“Do you… still like Akari?”

I was at a loss for words.
I thought for a moment.
And before I knew it, I was giving a wry smile.

“…I don’t know!”

It’s my own heart.
My own feelings.

And yet, right now, I didn’t even understand myself.

“I see.”

Hayashi smiled gently.