Not Worth It

“Sorry to keep you waiting.”

　After finishing my shift at the convenience store, I called out to Hayashi, who had been waiting inside reading a magazine. She put the magazine away, and we headed back to my place.

“So this is Yamamoto’s room, huh?”

“It’s pretty tidy, right?”

“Isn’t it just because there’s nothing in here?”

　You could say that. I’m not someone with a lot of material desires. If anything, I’d rather keep it this simple than have more stuff making it harder to clean. Plus, as a new college student, my finances aren’t exactly great. That’s how the room ended up like this.

“Anyway, have a seat. I’ll get you some barley tea.”

“…Thanks.”

　I glanced at Hayashi as she settled onto the cushion, then went to the fridge, pulled out the barley tea, poured it into a glass, and handed it to her. 

　 　While Hayashi sipped her tea, an awkward silence filled the room. 　

 　It hit me belatedly that this was the first time I’d ever brought a girl home like this. On top of that, since around middle school, I’d barely had any female friends, and the times we’d hung out had dropped off sharply. 　 　

…My chest started hurting for some reason. Get it together. Get it together. 　 

　The reason I’d brought Hayashi home today wasn’t because I had any ulterior motives. It was to protect her from her boyfriend.

“Thanks.”

　Having finished her tea, Hayashi seemed to have calmed down and expressed her gratitude.

“It was just some barley tea.”

“No… the timing was perfect.”

　Timing… what did she mean? 

　I tried to calmly assess her situation. Sweats in the middle of summer. Bruises on her wrists. And the one who gave her those bruises was her boyfriend. 　 

　Her current situation was what you’d call… domestic violence. 　 　DV, as they say—that’s what I figured.

“We both needed a little time to cool off.”

　Who exactly was she talking about needing time to cool off? No, it was obvious.

“I think he was just in a bad mood or something.”

　“He.” Her boyfriend, probably? 　If that’s who she meant…

“By ‘he,’ you mean your boyfriend?”

“Yeah. He doesn’t usually hit me. It’s just when he’s frustrated from messing up at work. I need to support him better, you know?”

“That’s not something I’d expect to hear from the high school version of you.”

“Shut up. People change.”

　…Whether that change is for the better or worse, I couldn’t say. 　

 　I replayed her words in my head again, trying to get a handle on the situation. From the way she put it, the reason she’d taken me up on my offer was to give them both some space to calm down. The injuries were from her boyfriend, but just a momentary lapse. 　 

　If that was true, then my deep involvement back there would have been pointless.

 …In that case, I shouldn’t have stopped her and invited her to stay over.

　If that was true, that is.

“You wanna stay the night?”

“Is that okay? Sorry about this.”

“We help each other when we’re in trouble.”

“You’re saying stuff you never would’ve said in high school either.”

　I shut my mouth. I hadn’t changed at all since then. But if I seemed different to Hayashi…

“Can I borrow your shower?”

“Go ahead.”

“You got any spare clothes?”

“Only guy’s stuff?”

“That’s fine.”

“…Use the bed to sleep. I’ll take the floor.”

“…Sorry.”

　Today was Wednesday, but it was summer break at college. So after my night shift, I usually slept at home until around noon. Judging by how she was crashing here, Hayashi hadn’t slept either. 　 

　The walls between the bathroom and the living room were thin. The sound of the shower drowned out the TV in the living room and reached my ears.

“That felt refreshing. Thanks.”

“No problem.”

　I regretted giving her a short-sleeved T-shirt. Besides her wrists, there were other bruises visible on Hayashi’s body.

“…Yeah, it’s pretty bad, huh?”

　Hayashi said it so casually.

“All from your boyfriend?”

“Yep.”

“Looks like some of them are healing up already?”

“So what?”

　Hayashi’s face twisted openly. Not like the fear-tinged expression from before. This was pure displeasure. 　

 　Don’t touch on this anymore. That’s what Hayashi was implicitly telling me.

　…If I were in her position, I’d hate my boyfriend. Hitting me like this, hurting me—I couldn’t forgive that. That’s what I’d think. 

　 　But from what she’d said so far, Hayashi didn’t seem to feel that way about him. Was it love making her blind, or was she dependent on him? I couldn’t tell her true feelings. 　 Hell, I didn’t even really understand the difference between blind love and dependency.

　Anyway, if she didn’t want me digging into her relationship with her boyfriend, that was fine. Even if she went back to him like this, it didn’t matter to me. 　

 　She didn’t think her own views were wrong. In that case, any alternative I suggested would have next to no chance of changing her mind.

“I don’t think you should be with someone who hurts you like that.”

　But that didn’t mean I wouldn’t offer that alternative.

“What do you know about it?”

　Hayashi’s mood soured even more.

“I don’t know how you feel. That was just my opinion.”

“I didn’t ask for your opinion.”

“And I didn’t say you had to listen to it.”

“…Then why say it at all?”

“For my own sake.”

　When I shrugged, Hayashi looked dumbfounded.

“If something happens to you later, people who know we were connected will come to me. They’ll ask why I didn’t stop you. Being able to say I tried to stop you or not makes a difference in how they see it.”

“…You don’t even have enough friends to worry about what others think.”

“That’s exactly why they’ll say whatever they want later. People, when given a righteous excuse, can do anything to others just to vent their own stress.”

　All that vigilante justice you hear about is exactly that. Even though they’re outsiders, when people see someone in a scandal, they can’t help but pile on. 

　 Sure, the person at the center often has issues, but it should be settled between the victim and the perpetrator—third parties butting in is weird. Yet they act like idiots, thrashing around like fish in water, ugly as they attack…

 They’re truly foolish.

“But anyway, that’s beside the point right now. What I’m saying is that people are ultimately self-centered creatures.”

“…And?”

“Getting hit because he’s stressed from failing at work. That’s why your boyfriend hits you, right? Is that really for your sake?”

“…That’s…”

“Aren’t you just being used?”

　Hayashi stayed silent, looking down.

“…But if you still want to go back to him, I won’t say anything.

Wanting to support him even if he hits you…

 Being able to live so selflessly is pretty amazing. Even if it destroys you in the end, I think you deserve praise from everyone.

But strangely, no one in the world will praise you for doing something no one else can.

A hero who sacrifices half their life to defeat a demon king gets unconditional acclaim, but you? Even if you ruin yourself, you won’t get a single thank you… not even from your boyfriend.”

　What I was trying to say was… objectively, Hayashi’s actions right now weren’t worth the price she’d paid so far at all. 　 

　It came out pretty sarcastic, probably because of my nasty personality leaking through. In hindsight, this approach might backfire on someone who’s already heated. But unfortunately, 　

 　this is the only way I know how to say it… 

　 　In other words, I’d done what I could. If Hayashi wouldn’t listen, there was nothing more I could do. That’s it.

“…I don’t like that.”

　But Hayashi wasn’t so foolish as to lose herself in anger. 　

 I’d thought she’d storm out in a rage, so honestly, I was a bit surprised. 　 

　With a big sigh, Hayashi flopped onto my bed.

“…I’m getting sleepy.”

“Sleep as much as you want, think it over slowly. You’ve got all the time in the world.”

“You’re so detached. No wonder you don’t get any girls.”

“Being detached means no girls?”

　So that’s why I don’t get any? I’ve learned something new. But learning it doesn’t fix the root problem, so I’ll be forever single. Too bad.

“I’m turning off the light.”

　Even if I turned it off, the room would still be bright. It was just for show, really. 　No response from Hayashi. 　 

　Maybe she was already asleep. Or something. I hit the switch with a click and lay down on the floor.

　For a while, I fiddled with my phone in this makeshift sleep setup, then closed my eyes when I got bored. 　

 　But whether it was the floor sleeping or the unusual situation of having a girl in the room, I couldn’t sleep at all.

“Hey.”

　After a bit longer, Hayashi’s voice came from the bed where I’d thought she was sleeping.

“Wanna do it?”

　My heart skipped a beat for a second, but I decided to stay silent. What was she up to? I wasn’t going to press her on it. I’d only sheltered her here today on a whim. 　 

　If that whim led to a one-night stand, I couldn’t badmouth her boyfriend anymore. 　 　No more words from Hayashi. She seemed to have given up.

　Or so I thought, but suddenly, warmth pressed against my back.

“Gah!!”

　The touch on my sensitive skin made me yell out loud.

“Ahaha. Knew you were awake.”

“What the hell…”

“I’ve only hugged you so far.”

“Who said you could hug me?”

“Do I need permission for a hug?”

　She didn’t need mine, but what about her boyfriend’s? Even if he’d done awful things, he was still technically her boyfriend. 　

 　But right now, bringing up her boyfriend would be a bad idea, so I just bit my lower lip.

“…Are you a virgin?”

“No?”

“Liar.”

　I went silent.

“…Putting on airs. That’s the first time I’ve thought you were cute.”

“…Shut up.”

　I tried to forcefully pull her off me. But in that moment, I noticed her body was trembling. 　Earlier, she’d shown anger at me badmouthing her boyfriend freely, but deep down, she must have had doubts about him.

“At first, he wasn’t like that. He was kind, thoughtful, and he’d put up with most of my selfishness. He changed after we started living together.”

　Living together probably made him show his true colors. 　I didn’t say anything because I figured any words from me right now would hurt her.

“It was awful. Outside of work, he’d hit me whenever he was in a bad mood. His boiling point was insanely low, I guess. It was always over things that made me think, ‘You’re getting mad about that?’”

　The arms Hayashi had around me tightened.

“At first, he said I should be a housewife, but before I knew it, he was like, ‘Why are you just staying home? You freeloader, go work a little.’ It was really the worst.”

“…You did well to hang in there.”

“Huh?”

　I’d just let slip something totally out of character. My face felt hot. I couldn’t believe words of comfort had come out of my mouth. 　 　

…But considering she’d graduated high school just a few months ago, dropped out of college, been disowned by her parents, had her dignity trampled by a DV guy, and gone through all that hell, the words just came out on their own.

“What did you just say?”

“…I’m not saying it again.”

“Come on. Say it one more time.”

“I’m going to sleep.”

“Ah… hehe, fine then.”

　What perspective was she speaking from? I thought about complaining, but figured it’d just start another pointless back-and-forth, so I shut my eyes in silence.

“Thanks. It’s been a while since someone said I did well… It made me happy.”

　She whispered that right in my ear. 　

…You really did well. You did. 　

When I wake up, we should talk about what she’ll do next. For now, to recover from work fatigue, I drifted off to sleep.