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● April 28th (Thursday) – Ayase Saki
The university lecture hall was a hushed space, filled only with the dry, rhythmic scratching of chalk against the blackboard. The steady cadence was almost hypnotic; the letters blooming into existence looked like mere white shadows, seeming to peel away from the board and vanish into the air the moment they appeared.
My hand, jotting down notes, felt unsteady, as if it were boneless.
Child. Children. Kids. Offspring.
The word, planted in my mind during that conversation with Mom, kept replaying on a loop.
If you love each other and get married, it’s the natural course of things, right? Yeah. On some level, I thought I understood that.
But once I recognized it as an approaching reality, I was struck by a formless anxiety, as if I’d been cast out into some unknown world.
What does it mean to get married? What does it mean to become a family? What does it mean to have a child──? My thoughts circled endlessly, tumbling back and forth, front to back, left to right in my head. Before I knew it, that’s all I was thinking about.
It’s mostly Mom’s fault.
That day, after speaking to Asamura-kun and me about the prospect of having kids, Mom had pulled me aside and whispered something to me alone.
“Saki. In two years, you’ll be the same age I was when I was pregnant with you. So I’m sure that day isn’t too far off for you, either. No matter who your partner is… I, and Taichi-san, too, will absolutely give you our blessing. You have to believe that, okay?”
The moment she said it, my mind went completely blank.
Her phrasing made it sound like she was utterly convinced my partner was someone I believed wouldn’t receive their blessing. She had always spoken in a way that hinted at her awareness, but this felt like confirmation. The fact that she went out of her way to add “Taichi-san, too” could only mean one thing: she was assuming my partner was Asamura-kun—my stepbrother, Yuuta.
She’s so sharp, my mom. I probably couldn’t lie to her anymore.
Realizing this, I leaned forward, about to say, “I’m with Asamura-kun,” but just before the words could form, she placed her index finger on my lips, silencing me at the “A” of “Asamura-kun.”
“I’m not trying to interrogate you, you know,” Mom said with a gentle smile.
“Your choice is your own, and we will bless you for it. That’s all I wanted to tell you. I won’t ask anything more until that day truly comes. Please, cherish the time you have now, and slowly nurture your love.”
She acted as if she saw right through everything, yet she never said anything definitive.
How cunning…
But maybe this is an adult’s kindness.
I’d always believed that being an adult meant showing each other your cards and finding some common ground. But the world isn’t always something you can neatly divide into black and white. The act of demanding a compromise isn’t always the right answer.
Proposing a compromise can feel like a message: “I won’t trust you unless you lay your cards on the table.” Sometimes, that puts an immense burden on the other person, dousing them with the cold reality that you have no intention of being there for them beyond what’s written in a contract.
Mom’s way of communicating—deliberately leaving things ambiguous and entrusting the outcome to me—seemed to be born from unconditional love.
And the fact that she only spoke to me was perhaps a sign of both her love and her sternness, reserved for her biological daughter.
‘Now that you’ve heard my words, what will you and he do? Saki, you need to take the lead and think about it.’ It felt like she was telling me something like that.
A particularly loud clack of chalk on the blackboard startled me, yanking me back from my mental voyage.
Oops, I need to focus.
I’ve heard countless stories about honor students who fell from grace during their four years of university, failing to become outstanding members of society. I sternly reminded myself that this exact kind of distraction must be what builds up and leads to their downfall.
However, it seems university is a place littered with the devil’s temptations.
“The guy I met on the dating app yesterday was insane! Super tall and with a built chest!”
“See? Older guys are great, right~?”
“Ugh. I wanna stick with younger guys, but… if it’s just for fun, older is an option!”
During the break between lectures, I was dragged into Kyouka-san and Mayu-san’s way-too-intense relationship talk at the cafeteria, and the topic was forced back into my consciousness.
The “child-making” Mom had spoken of was a deeply serious topic, one tied to the entire course of my future life. On the other hand, the act that came up in my classmates’ idle chatter was utterly hedonistic and casual. It was supposed to be the same act, so why was it treated so differently? I was starting to lose my grasp on how I should even approach it myself.
Still, talking with Kyouka-san really makes me realize, all over again, just how powerful words are.
Should I call it the gravity of a definition, the suction of prejudice, or perhaps the binding force of a name?
I can barely keep up with most of their sexual conversations, offering only vague responses, but because of the “Gayaru Master” image Kyouka-san has constructed in her mind, she doesn’t notice at all, no matter how much I slip up.
I suppose definitions, prejudice, and names just have that much power.
Who… am I?
By the time I finished my lectures and was ready to go home, the sky had taken on a considerable reddish hue. The last traces of March’s chill had faded, and I stifled a yawn that threatened to escape into the faintly warm air as I walked to the station. Oops, no, I thought, immediately straightening my posture. To let my guard down and show such a sloppy appearance outdoors—what was I thinking? It’s true I’ve started to believe that simply being on guard isn’t enough, but that doesn’t mean I want my outer self to become all soft and fluffy.
I took the Sobu Line to Yoyogi, then transferred to the Yamanote Line. I exited through the Hachiko gate, crossed the scramble crossing, and headed for the building that housed the bookstore where I worked part-time. I’d gotten quite used to this routine.
That life, too, would end today and the day after tomorrow.
Working at a job I already knew I was quitting made me feel strange, different from usual. It wasn’t exhilaration, but it wasn’t loneliness either. It was more like I was a ghost, lingering in a world I no longer existed in, getting one last bonus look at it… a feeling of drifting aimlessly.
Today’s shift was with Asamura-kun and Kozono Erina-san. Watching the two of them work, I found myself idly thinking that, starting next month, I would be the only one gone from this picture.
Has Kozono-san’s vibe changed a little?
She’d always been fashionable, but this was something more. A sort of allure seemed to seep out from within her. She seemed a little more mature, or maybe more bewitching. It looked like she was radiating pheromones—not that I actually know if those things are real.
I wonder if it’s because she’s a second-year high school student now. Her middle-school-ness is completely gone.
And it wasn’t just her allure; she had become a very competent part-timer. Thanks to excellent mentors like Shiori-san and Asamura-kun, her customer service was flawless. We’ve also had a lot of foreign customers lately, but thanks to attending an international high school, she was apparently good at English and could handle them without calling for a full-time employee.
Amazing. She’s a total pro.
I glanced to my side. Asamura-kun was folding a paper book cover. While concentrating on the task, he kept a corner of his awareness on the register, watching for any sign of an approaching customer. I was relieved to see he wasn’t staring at Kozono-san.
“Hm? Something wrong?”
“Eh? No, umm… It’s nothing.”
He noticed me looking.
I tried to play it off instantly, but he must have sensed something was off about me.
Should I make some kind of excuse? As I was pondering my options, Asamura-kun let out a small, “Ah.”
His gaze wasn’t on me, but slightly to the side.
Crap, a customer! I thought, and hurriedly turned.
“Oh, Fujinami-san.”
“Hey.”
A woman so tall she’d make you flinch if she suddenly appeared before you gave a light wave from her chest.
She started a conversation with Asamura-kun over the register counter.
“It’s been a while. Are you still working here even after starting university? …Ah, wait, about university…”
“It’s fine. I got into my first choice.”
“Is that so? Then I can talk to you without holding back.”
“What about you, Fujinami-san?”
“I passed, too. Waseho University, Faculty of Law.”
“Yay,” she said, her listless voice containing not a shred of party-animal energy as she made a half-hearted double peace sign. It was hard to tell if she was trying to be fun or not, casual or serious. She was a hard person to read.
…Wait a minute. I feel like I’ve seen this girl somewhere before.
I searched my memories. A tall girl, like a model. Her hair was black, her hairstyle simple, not looking like she spent much time on it. Her clothes were simple, too. But the glasses she wore had an elegant frame, and it was clear that even if she wasn’t consciously coordinating a special outfit, she chose clothes with designs and colors that suited her body type and impression, failing to hide her good sense of style. I felt like I had seen a girl with that appearance once before…
Ah, I realized.
It was that day I waited for Asamura-kun in front of the prep school because I wanted to walk home with him. I remember seeing her come out and thinking how beautiful she was.
Fujinami-san, huh.
I see. So this was the “female friend from prep school I talk to a lot.”
…Hmph. I see. Hmph…
At first glance, she might seem plain, but she was just presenting herself that way; in reality, she had striking features. I could see a hole in her ear that suggested she used to wear a piercing. Actually, the fact that the hole wasn’t was still there might mean she wore one sometimes. Maybe she was just dressed conservatively because it was a weekday, and on weekends her fashion was much bolder. Whether it was because of her height or the sharp look in her eyes behind her glasses, even though she wasn’t acting intimidating at all, she had an aura that made people around her straighten their backs.
This is so frustrating.
It wasn’t like she was kept secret from me, but I never expected her to be this beautiful. And somehow, she’s different from Shiori-san or Kozono-san; there’s a specific kind of frustration I feel precisely because it’s her.
How do I put it? It’s hard to put into words, but… right, that’s it. It’s because she feels a little bit similar to me.
If I can be a romantic interest, then she could be one, too. That’s what it feels like.
Well, I know Asamura-kun isn’t the type to do anything dishonest. I trust him. But still.
While the two of them were talking, I tried my best not to look their way, focusing only on my hands as I continued folding paper covers.
I couldn’t bring myself to brazenly join a conversation when I wasn’t a mutual acquaintance.
“Hey, Ayase-san. You got a second?”
“…What is it?”
Being called out so suddenly, the coldness in my reply surprised even me.
What am I, an idiot? Don’t be so obviously upset.
“This is Fujinami-san. I think I’ve mentioned her before, you know, my friend from prep school.”
“Ah, the one…”
I’d already figured it out, but I replied with a look on my face that feigned total ignorance.
“And this is Ayase-san.”
“I had a feeling that was the case,” Fujinami-san said casually.
Grr… I bit my mental lip.
So she had recognized me. She must have guessed who I was while approaching the counter, or while talking to Asamura-kun out of the corner of her eye. She recognized me, thought the same thing I did, and compared to my bluffing, how composed and honest she was.
I felt like I’d just been shown how small-minded I was, and it was intensely frustrating.
“Nice to meet you. I’m Fujinami Kaho. ‘Fuji’ as in wisteria and ‘nami’ as in wave. ‘Ka’ as in summer, and ‘ho’ as in a sail, for Kaho.”
“Summer… sale…?”
Flashy red and yellow stickers on discount items popped into my head.
“Not ‘sale’ as in selling, but ‘sail as in a ship’s sail.”
“The one on a ship… huh? Eh…?”
Because I had just imagined the sticker, I had completely lost the kanji.
“…Did that not get through? I was confident people would remember my name in one shot with this intro, but it seems my training is insufficient.”
“Ah, no, I’m the one who should be sorry. I’m slow on the uptake…” she bowed her head, which only made me feel more humbled.
What is this weird feeling?
It’s different from Shiori-san’s lighthearted humor. She’s a type of person I’ve never met before, and when I rummage through my repertoire for the right way to respond, I come up empty.
The fangs of jealousy that had started to grow have crumbled away.
“It’s not great to talk for too long while you’re working. I should probably… Ah, I’ll buy this.”
“Ah, yes. Welcome.”
The book she was holding (it seemed to be about politics and international affairs; she’s in the law faculty, but not reading about law?) was placed on the counter, and I switched into customer service mode.
“Would you like a book cover?”
“Ah, yes please.”
“Certainly.”
“I’ll help, Ayase-san.”
“Thank you, Asamura-san.”
Beep, beep, beep. I scanned the barcodes and handed the books to Asamura-kun beside me. He took them and, with expert skill—quick yet gentle, with a touch as soft as a feather—put the covers on.
The payment was completed with e-money. A cultural symbol like a paper book, which hasn’t changed its form in years, being purchased with the latest technology. It’s a strange contrast, isn’t it? Not that I would have even noticed if Asamura-kun or Shiori-san hadn’t mentioned something similar before. But now, I can see how it might be a little surreal.
I felt that way even more because of how naturally Fujinami-san held out her phone without changing her expression, as if she were buying a bottle of tea at a convenience store.
After finishing her shopping, Fujinami-san said, “Well, see you,” with a light wave and a nod, then left the store with a gait that made you wonder if she had any bones in her back at all.
Just as she left, Kozono-san, who had been out on the sales floor, returned. She lowered her voice as she came up behind the counter.
“There was a crazy tall person here just now. Wait, are they an acquaintance of yours, senpai?”
“She’s a friend of Asamura-san’s.”
“Um… Ayase-san? The way you’re talking is kind of…”
Is there an edge to my voice? No, not at all. There’s no reason to be jealous.
“She’s super pretty, with a model’s figure… Yuuta-senpai… for real?”
“No, no, you’ve got it wrong!” Asamura-kun denied it, looking utterly flustered as Kozono-san relentlessly grilled him.
He looked so pathetic, not a shred of suave in sight, and that, conversely, was so endearing that I let out a small, “…Pfft.”
“Ayase-san? Um, what was that laugh for?”
“It’s nothing.”
“Huh…?”
Right, it’s nothing.
If Asamura-kun were really an unfaithful guy in some illicit relationship with Fujinami-san, then it would be a huge deal. But I trust that that’s impossible. I was just feeling a little jealous over a trivial, everyday thing; I wasn’t seriously worried.
This is all just a part of our playful banter. If I’m going to feel anxious, the real test is yet to come.
So this laugh isn’t at Asamura-kun’s expense.
It’s at my own.
Am I okay? That’s the kind of laugh it is. It’s so ridiculous it’s laughable, isn’t it? If I’m getting jealous of Fujinami-san, who spoke to him openly and was properly introduced to me, what’s going to happen to me starting next month?
After the day after tomorrow, I’m quitting this part-time job. The time I share with Asamura-kun will definitively decrease.
My shift ended.
Today, like any other day, I walked my usual route home, side-by-side with Asamura-kun.
The way home is the same as always, but the scenery is a little different from what I saw in high school.
First, the time is different.
Since April started, my shifts have been from six or seven in the evening (depending on when my classes end) until midnight. When I was in high school, regulations required me to leave by 10 PM, but now, freed from that restriction, we can stroll through Shibuya in the dead of night. Not that I plan on staying out all night.
Shibuya past midnight looked completely different from how it did around 9 PM. The level of public safety seems to drop a notch, and you see more people who are post-drinking than pre-drinking. Since most of the decent people who would make sure to catch the last train are gone, the remaining crowd inevitably… well, to put it harshly, the proportion of sketchy-looking people increases. And the conversations you overhear are ridiculously loud.
There’s one other big change.
Asamura-kun isn’t pushing his bike.
A little while ago, I asked him why. It seems the main reason is that there’s nowhere to park it. In high school, he had a place to park it at school, and the prep school had a parking area, too. Near our part-time job, there was a lot where you could park for free for up to two hours.
But now that he’s a university student, if he parks it in a paid lot near the station, he’ll be charged continuously until his classes are over, and then until his part-time job is over.
Even though his workplace and his home haven’t changed, the way Asamura-kun looks on his way home has completely transformed.
I can’t help but think how much things can change from just one small shift in a person’s life.
…What’s going to happen to me?
Even the same Shibuya is different at 9 PM and midnight. Just by switching from high school to university, Asamura-kun’s routine has changed completely.
As for me, I’m quitting my bookstore job and starting an internship at a completely different place. My daily rhythm, the scenery—everything will change.
I feel anxious, yet also realize how much I’ve been coddled until now. How much I’ve been allowed to depend on spending the same time with Asamura-kun, with Asamura Yuuta.
The only reason I—with my deep-seated jealousy and dependency—have managed to stay sane is because I was content with our gentle, peaceful relationship. I could nurture a comfortable love, like soaking in a lukewarm bath, because Asamura Yuuta was right in front of my eyes for so long.
After tomorrow, that world ends.
The environment where we could share so much time together will be destroyed, and a new world will begin where it’s difficult for us to see what the other is doing.
How Asamura-kun works with Kozono-san at the bookstore, what kind of conversations they have. Will Shiori-san occasionally drop by? What about Fujinami-san? All of those things will be completely hidden from my sight.
I know that’s normal. If someone told me that’s how it is for most couples, I wouldn’t have a comeback. I get that much. It’s not good to excessively control your partner’s life, and being possessive is definitely not good. I know that without being told.
And then, I remember Mom’s words again. The refrain starts once more.
What does it mean to get married? What does it mean to become a family? What does it mean to have a child──
“You okay?”
My circular thoughts were cut off by a gentle voice.
Thank you, Asamura-kun.
“Yeah. It’s nothing.”
Before I knew it, the me wearing a cool, strong-willed mask had spoken, rejecting his kindness.
